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Before I came to the Judge Rotenberg Center, I was a very angry, violent, and depressed 15 years old who at times did not care if I lived or died. I would make poor decisions especially if my decision-making had to do with men. I used to make bad choices then run away from home to the nearest hospital. After I told those people “I don’t want to live anymore” and “I wish that I was six feet under.” They admitted me to the hospital. The last placement before JRC was very close to home, this was a constant tease. I got urges all the time to run away and I always did. I ran away from the poor supervised placement and they threw me back into the hospital. My mom stayed overnight with me at this poor supervised placement hoping to prevent these people from placing me back into the hospital. My mom begged me not to go back into my cycle, but I did not listen to her advice. The hospital that I went to was a closed-in unit with a swimming pool. I was allowed to eat basically as much as I wanted as long it was mealtime or snack-time. I was on five different medications. I suffered from insomnia which is a sleeping disorder. I was put on Benadryl for a PRN for insomnia to help me sleep. When I was at the hospital waiting for a spot at JRC, I was on five different medications and severely overweight. All I did was sleep, eat, get restrained, and argue with everyone. I felt like I could not trust anyone. The first night at JRC I was restrained in front of my mother. I was so angry and depressed at the time because I thought that my mother was abandoning me. For the first 9 months, she did not communicate with me as often as she did when I was in the hospital, waiting to come to JRC. There were limited phone calls and limited visits. Then my clinician and I sat down to talk one day, when I was behaving. I told him that I wanted to go on Level III treatment voluntarily. He told me that my mother had already signed the papers that needed to be completed before I would go to court to get the authorized approval for JRC to put me on the Level III treatment. I regretted being on devices at first because I was not used to them. I remember the first time I got the first application; boy did I learn my lesson! I swore at the staff because she was getting on my nerves. It was like everything was happening in slow motion. I remember after getting the application, I went downstairs with the other staff and cried like a big baby. I was mad at my mom for a while for letting me know how painful these things were, but then I realized that my mother was doing the last thing that she could think of to help me. Hospitalizations did not help me, neither did the medications. I was on five medications when I was admitted into JRC, within the first five months of being here at JRC; I was off all of my medications. It was very hard for me during the withdrawal because I was so dependent on the medications. Withdrawal was the worst thing that I can remember going through. I was so fat. I hated shopping with my mom because she never picked out anything that I liked and I just felt awful because I could not fit into a lot of things that I liked. When I entered JRC, I was 198 pounds. One day, I got on the scale; I was one hundred and fifty pounds!! I had lost 48 pounds! I was so happy that I started crying. A lot of things changed after being on Level III treatment, I started going home for holidays. Now I go home every night and attend JRC for the day program. I am becoming a mature, intelligent, and responsible young adult who is going to be successful in the future. In June of 2006 I will graduate from JRC. I am receiving my high school diploma. This will be the first time that I have received any kind of diploma. I never graduated the eighth grade, so next year everyone in my family will be there to see me have my big day. That day will probably be the happiest day, but also the saddest day in my life. There will be a lot of happy tears, but there will also be a lot of sad tears, as well. I will miss all of the wonderful people who have helped me so much! I have a lot to be thankful for! My clinician has helped in so many different ways. He has helped me realize that life does not always go the way you expect it to. We have worked on many of my problems. I have realized that my anger is mainly towards myself because of the stuff I have put my family through. When I leave JRC, I am going to go to college or a vocational technical school during the day. I will work at night. My family and I have JRC to thank for helping me become who I am today! - Catherine |